When I was 15, my family moved to Iowa, away from mountains,
oceans, and everything familiar. This singular event marked me in profoundly
deep ways. It revealed a crisis of identity and further distanced my heart
from my life vision. A hedonistic attitude began to shape my decision-making. The
raging hormones of an angry teenager pushed me toward girls, yet God’s
sovereignty kept many of these intentions in check. My rebellious heart still
knew right from wrong, and repentance fought for a foothold in its tug-of-war
between right and wrong.
College exacerbated the misguided search for significance.
After some wild nights on a trip to
London in 2005, I returned stateside with a new vice--alcohol. I mercifully
avoided alcoholism outright but binge drank on the nights I did party. I was coping--filling my days with frenzied
activity to avoid the hurt and loneliness caused by my un-fascinated heart.
In 2008, I took the opportunity to move to LA. Amidst the
fight for survival in the cutthroat world of LA life, I found a good church
community and genuine Christ-followers who encouraged me greatly. After several jobs during the economic downturn of 2008, I was forced to make a difficult move back
to Iowa in February of 2009. At the time, I saw this as a failure in my efforts
to support myself while in California, and that impacted my confidence. In
hindsight, I realize that my calling as a musician was not in sync with the music industry. You never know until you try.
Upon moving back, I secured two jobs in a matter of days. Things
were looking up financially, but my heart was as yet unfulfilled. In July of 2009, I was celebrating
my 25th birthday in Iowa City, home of the Iowa Hawkeyes. My
singular purpose that night was to get wasted. Up to this point, I had never
been intoxicated to the point of blackout, but that was all about to change…
I only remember segments of that night. We were heading back to a
friend’s house to sleep it off. It was a miracle we made it back at all,
stumbling over each other and pulling each other along. As I staggered to a bed,
I found myself undressing in the same room as a naked girl as wasted as I. In my inebriated mind, I was about to get lucky. In a moment of divine sobriety, I was able to see it for what it truly was--rape. Even in the bottom of a bottle, God’s mercy
shines.
That began the way back for me. I made new friends. I
forgave others and others forgave me. I decided to follow the way of Jesus; I
am deciding to follow Jesus. Tomorrow, I pray that I will again choose to
follow Jesus. This is the way back: choosing moment by moment to listen to
the voice of Truth, choosing to spend time with people who draw out the man of
God in me, surrendering to Jesus the broken areas of my life rather than
surrendering my life to my broken areas. The way back is personalizing the
Gospel that I was taught as a child and acquainting myself with the Word and
its Author. The extremely personal God of the Bible draws me to Himself. Only looking back to the Cross can I find my way forward.
Well, I finished my AA the summer of 2009. I am now married
to a wonderful blonde hair, blue-eyed girl who exceeds my hearts desires. She
encourages me and challenges me to man up for the kingdom of God. It is from
her constant encouragement and God’s overshadowing leadership that I once again
reach for the dream of my childhood. This dream remains unchanged: I want to make
disciples in my circle of influence and make disciples in the 10/40 window. My
corner of the world needs the same love and mercy of Christ that overcame
biological limitations to reach my wounded heart. There are wounded hearts in
my backyard and the unreached parts of the world that need to understand this
God. It’s in my blood to fly; it’s in my blood to serve Him. I will not have it
any other way.
"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
-Matt. 10:39
